Sunday, August 19, 2012

its been a long time coming

so this summer i had told a few friends that if they started blogging again i would too.  well, they have but i haven't.  partly because i am always running short on time, partly because it seems vulnerable to share what has gone on recently and i must also confess that when i stop moving i usually fall asleep.   

however today i am doing nothing.  nothing.  really - nothing at all.  i can't remember the last time i did that.  (or at least the last time i sat around in my house.  i did enjoy a few vacations this summer with some leisurely time spent reading and resting by the sparkling blue sea.) 

when i last blogged i was moving.  i have moved now, first into a POD,  then out of a POD, into part of a house and then into the rest of it.  it has been a good move, peaceful and healing almost and i cannot even articulate to you the emotional rest and freedom i have felt for the first time in years.  prayers have been answered, little ones and big ones all reassuring me that this is a place of rest for us and we are not forgotten.  but even in the the last few months as we have enjoyed this home i still have not had time to just sit and be still until today and it has been fabulous.

one of my favorite parts of this new house is a three-season porch that overlooks the creek behind the house. (same creek my last house over looked too.  yes, i am still on second street, but a few houses down.)  i love the deck-  and it has been a place for sleepovers and late night conversations and amazing dinners and gatherings but i have never just sat and enjoyed a book and time alone. today, however, i am home alone and so i decided that in spite of the dishes and laundry and work to be done i was just going to sit outside and finish my book, so there.  and that is indeed what i did.  i was on page 283 of Gone with the Wind when i came out here at 9:00 am with my cup of coffee and next thing i knew it was 1:30 and i was done with all 1024 pages.  but even though i have read this book many times, i forget about how much i hate the last chapter.  i had a sadness in the pit of my stomach as i read it because i don't like the ending, it always depresses me.  except the way it depresses me as a now 35 year old women is very different than the effect it had on my 13 year old self when i read it for the first time because now i can fully understand how relationships can be broken down and whittled away in small, prideful, unyielding moments and before you know it is is too late.  i have read that book so many times over the years but i never identified with the intense despair and loss she felt in the last chapter until now.  not just over the loss of the man, but of the dreams and way of life that she had envisioned and the profound sadness that empty hole leaves.  

did i mention that i was reading Gone with the Wind for book club?  and that book club is just another in a long list of amazing things about this street that i live on?  book club, barbecues, impromptu evenings on a blanket with the babies, a neighborhood handyman, a community, a home - this is what second street is all about. and even in the midst of sad circumstances and seeming end of many dreams Aidan and I have found an amazing place to rest for the next few months as we weigh our future options.   i think our healing will be here in this home, like Scarlett said, she would go '"home, and think about it all tomorrow.  I can stand it then.  Tomorrow..... i will think about it tomorrow, after all, tomorrow is another day."